Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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