So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
