Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
