it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
40s are totally the cure
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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