someone threw a dead crab at me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
