john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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