I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
