are you still at the devil's house?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
