I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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