he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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