if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Im part way to drunk.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
