It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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