Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
