It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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