Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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