Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
