I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
