The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
