He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
