I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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