The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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