DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
