Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
