How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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