Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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