I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
