I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
