Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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