Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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