I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
