omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
