so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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