I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
