I think my fart just growled at me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
