Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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