you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
