We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
