I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
