my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
