Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
