I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
