I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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