so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
organizing the empties. That sober.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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