I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
