I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
