he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
