Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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