the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
