so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize