I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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