just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
