I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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