how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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