I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
